here i go, with my headsets on, drowning in my favorite songs to this early afternoon. my exam starts in a week and hell i'm supposed to be studying, but i feel that i don't get moments like this a lot anymore, so screw it. further, i have been surpressing this rising urge for alone time and i think now is a good time to let it out (this dull weather couldn't be more perfect for it).

so. this is nice. i imagine myself sitting on the balcony with a bottle of beer (and peanuts would be great too) typing this at the back of my head. sending telepathic mails to each and every of you i could think of right now, 'how're you doing?' (that's right, i don't feel like talking, that's why i'm sending telepathic mails. you wouldn't know, would you?) if i could, i'd rather just watch you do things and not say a word.

and there's you (my secret), you (my past), and the rest of you. i can't help but feel this vacuum between us that keeps me in. or rather, i'm beginning to get sucked into this hollow pit where emotions don't (and can't) exist. this nothingness, waiting but not knowing what i'm looking for. these sighs that i swallow like saliva, and this evasiveness that has almost become my trademark, my character; this distance sometimes unbearable yet unbreakable.

lately i have been thinking about you (again). (yeah like when have i ever really stopped) not talking about you is just my way of forgetting you. my insatiable fear of loss kills me, but it is less painful now because i'm not losing you. i have already lost you to forever. still, i do miss you. cigarette lighter love song reminds me of you, of us. sometimes i wished you hadn't given up, but if you hadn't, i may not have been the person i am today. there is no one to blame, that's just how the story ends. this is a story that i remember most clearly, the most beautiful and awfully sad one. i don't regret at all, and i truly do wish you a better next life.

ok i didn't expect this to get so heavy. but dear you all, i am, i am writing to reach you.