Sunday, January 28, 2007
it's been a long wait,
and it has happened.
that was what i really needed to hear.
i never felt any better.
.shan. [1:55 AM]
talking to the khngs always gets to me. they're just so straightforward, it can really hurt sometimes.
laur: i think carmen (L word) is not les in real life.
me: HUH WHY??!! HOW, HOW YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT?
laur: aiya can tell wan wat..
me: NOOOO..
laur: as if you stand a chance.
ouch. seriously that was uncalled for.
.shan. [1:32 AM]
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
i don't, i don't know. where it begins and where it ends; how should it go or how it should have been. it may have, it may also never. things that used to make sense no longer do, and things that seem to make sense now actually never do. life is complicated as it is, this moment may never happen again. perhaps what and who you have now is just a phase that becomes a past. never underestimate, never look back, it will never be. forget expect.
.shan. [4:42 AM]
Saturday, January 20, 2007
irritable now. extremely. you know days where the whole world seems to be such an ass, where everyone seems to be going against you, and everything just seems so wrong? gosh, on days like that, for the benefit of everyone, i should totally stay at home & stay away. you dare to cross that line, i'll snarl like a dog and then chew you into shreds like an alligator.
tolerant is not in my dictionary today.
.shan. [10:58 PM]
Friday, January 19, 2007
omg was totally wasted. again. i'm a lot friendlier when i'm drunk. ugh. damn bad. it was a strange night. it wasn't me. or was it? anyway i don't wanna know.
.shan. [12:38 AM]
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
'You'll get over it...' It's the cliches that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit. Why would i want them to?
The fluttering in the stomach goes away and the dull waking pain. Sometimes i think of you and i feel giddy. Memory makes me lightheaded, drunk on champagne. All the things we did. And if anyone had said this was the price i would have agreed to pay it. That surprises me; that with the hurt and the mess comes a shaft of recognition. It was worth it. Love is worth it.
~written on the body by jeanette winterson.
.shan. [2:30 PM]
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
pull back the shield between us
and come to me.
let me warm this cold heart of yours,
devour the pain that flows in your veins,
drink up the blood that you shed.
bring me into your world
just as eager as i would to enter yours.
for i have surrendered to you
the power to rule my heart.
i am defeated.
come to me,
right where i want you to be.
be the prisoner of my embrace.
be the ship to drown in the rhythm of my heartbeat.
be the air i can't breathe enough of.
that is all i ask of you -
be my desired lover.
.shan. [4:26 AM]
Happiness is a specific. Misery is a generalisation. People usually know why they are happy. They very rarely know why they are miserable.
Misery is a vacuum. A space without air, a suffocated dead place, the abode of the miserable. Misery is a tenement block, rooms like battery cages, sit over your own droppings, lie on your own filth. Misery is a no U-turns, no stopping road. Travel down it pushed by those behind, tripped by those in front. Travel down it at furious speed though the days are mummified in lead. It happens so fast once you get started, there's no anchor from the real world to slow you down, nothing to hold on to. misery pulls away the brackets of life leaving you to free fall. Whatever your private hell, you'll find millions like it in Misery. This is the town where everyone's nightmares come true.
I know i'm running away but my heart has become a sterile zone where nothing can grow. I don't want to face facts, shape up, snap out of it. In the pumped-out, dry bed of my heart, i'm learning to live without oxygen. I might get to like it in a masochistic way. I've sunk too low to make decisions and that brings with it a certain lightheaded freedom. Walking on the moon there's no gravity. There are dead souls in uniform ranks, spacesuits too bulky for touch, helmets too heavy for speech. The miserable millions moving in time without hope. There are no clocks in Misery, just an endless ticking.
~written on the body by jeanette winterson.
.shan. [3:36 AM]
Saturday, January 13, 2007
phew. finally can sit at home comfortably, totally need some rest ah. heh i like the start to this new year, you know, spend quality time with good friends. i hate meetings that are called upon by obligations, it's just meaningless lah. heh but then again, sometimes they're necessary. lol well things don't always turn out the way we want them to, maybe there are reasons or even just plain coincidences, so long as we tried out best, it is more than enough. at the end of the day, it's about the choice you make. you made it, then live with it. i shall begin to make my life less complicated by not looking back.
.shan. [12:01 AM]
Monday, January 01, 2007
on a brighter note, i got my tattoo yesterday! my way of welcoming the new 2007 =D actually i wasn't really sure of what i wanted to tat so in the end, i figured the safest way is to do my own name! WEE. wow what an experience. i went to do it alone, the guys there were very nice though. love johnny two thumbs =) i placed my tattoo horizontally along my shoulder blade; omg I LOVE IT! haha but i must be extra careful at home now - no more wearing sportsbra walking round the house =s (at least still can in my underwear, after my dad leaves of course =x) oops.. one more secret kept from my parents. and many more to come =x
2007.. i'm not going to do the resolutions thing 'cos somehow i always forget them. well then, i've got a feeling i'm going to keep even more secrets from my parents, more deviations, umm.. hope i don't repeat my mistakes? drink less, play less, ahem less, try not to ahemahem more than those few times, love the right people and wish to be happy. march on people, keep your eyes open for the future! (OMG i so totally do not believe that i'm going to turn 21 this year! =s)
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!! WISH YOU ALL HAPPINESS & THE BEST FOR YOUR FUTURE!!
.shan. [10:02 PM]
you killed me twice -
once as a lover,
the other as a friend.
i believe we should have no more
to do with each other.
up to this point,
i'm left speechless.
if there is no need,
i do not wish to see you ever again.
you shall be forgotten
like we never existed.
reincarnated strangers,
some might say.
.shan. [9:11 PM]
