Sunday, April 30, 2006
each breathe i inhale now is shallow.
it's taking a lot of courage,
a lot of strength.
this is pure torture;
to live w the memories
and which e best i can do w it
is to repress it.
i can't slp anymore;
the anger & betrayal won't give my mind a rest.
my dreams suffocate me,
n strip me of any sanity that's left.
i'm too afraid to slp nw,
in fear of what e nxt nightmare may bring.
it's all happening again.
my soul chased away,
my life turned stagnant.
the pair of sad eyes return once again.
living the purest of pain
.shan. [6:53 PM]
Saturday, April 29, 2006
That is another song that says it all. I won't breathe another word about it anymore. The screw-up yrs have just begun, let's juz hope that the fun doesn't get outta hand & still keep the important things with us.
.shan. [3:21 PM]
Ryan Cabrera - Photo
A photo can say a thousand things
But it can't say the million things I wanna say
A photo can capture the way we were
But it can't capture the way we are
'Cause you're far away
What it's like to know you
What it's like to touch you
Chorus
When you told me that you loved me
were those just words
You can't tell me you don't need me
and I know that hurts
'Cause I'm looking at your picture
'Cause it's all I've got
Maybe one day
You and me will have one more shot
Timing lost minutes and moments
And I might be lonely girl
But I'm not afraid
In a second
It all comes right back to me
Nothing's forgotten now
Yeah everything's saved
What it's like to touch you
What it's like to know you
Chorus
Bridge
You were my life
you were my faith
You gave me hope every day
Chorus
.shan. [3:14 PM]
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
well perhaps it's right to let go
cos u'll nv know how much ur worth till u leave
maybe u can c things clearer
instead of living in a myriad of lies;
it will only suffocate u to death slowly.
n i dun wanna die a painful death.
what is yours will come back to u.
guess it's time to slp nw,
wake me up when the sun is up.
.shan. [4:23 PM]
how did it all come to naught?
dun u ever wonder?
did we miss sth?
if loving u wasn't enough,
i dunno wat else i can do for u.
maybe i was blind;
maybe i was wrong.
maybe ur just like who they think u are.
maybe e person i loved was just an illusion.
maybe it's true when pple say gd times dun last.
we miss things when they're gone.
sometimes we dun even understand y we lose things.
sometimes u think u know sth but actually u dun,
and u nv did.
sometimes we're so caught up in our own thoughts
that we overlook e simplest methods.
stupidity of human
that makes us go round in circles
searching for things to hold on to
at the same time ur curious
wat's on the other side of e ocean.
leaving e plank tt has been supporting u
risking ur own safety.
hey, but it was ur choice ok.
nobody said u had to leave.
but since u did,
dun regret when u drown in e ocean.
there's juz a price to pay when u choose.
sometimes u gain, sometimes u lose.
.shan. [10:42 AM]
Friday, April 21, 2006
omg right nw onwards if i ever go out w u, better bring a rope along. prepare to tie me up to a pole cos if i ever c her again, i tell u i seriously dunno wat i would do. even if i wasn't holding onto any weapons, better tie me up b4 i land myself in custody of assault or even murder. gosh.. everyone seems to b rite all of a sudden. "screw pple who dun give a damn abt u" or um.. i dunno. everything n everything! it's fuck, FUCK & FUCK! i can juz volunteer to be the winner for the BIGGEST FOOL in this bloody world!!
I AM SO BLOODY SICK OF THIS FUCKING WORLD!! FUCK YOU!
.shan. [5:57 PM]
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
these haunting memories
r like toxic that accummulates in my heart
those resonating thoughts
won't allow e tears to dry.
i feel fatigue
when will it all end?
or how should it end?
.shan. [11:20 PM]
Saturday, April 15, 2006
my heart cries for u;
i'm sorry i couldn't heal u.
i've already tried my best to stop e bleeding,
to keep u alive
breathing on hopes tt i fear would b dashed.
i want u to fight on,
for urself;
to wake up to e many more dreams to live for.
y won't u love urself more?
dun u realise tt e pple who love u suffer even more to c u in this state?
was it worth e risk?
yes i hear ur screams,
i feel ur pain.
cos i was there,
and i survived e ordeal.
i want u to do e same too
cos i believe that one day
we'll b able to c e white light that we deserve.
come with me.
.shan. [12:44 PM]
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Evanescence - My Immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
[Chorus]
.shan. [12:29 AM]
Monday, April 10, 2006
some things u can erase on e surface.
some u juz can't let go
no matter how hard u try.
cos time n again,
it hits u right on e spot.
e pain doesn't go away,
n u can't evade it;
it comes back to u somehow.
sometimes u pray hard for ur wishes to come true.
it's a glimmer of hope,
which evolves into expectations somehow
cos u want it so bad.
but when things look bleak
would u still have e faith to sustain e hope
n wat for sth tt may nv happen?
shld u fight for it or wait patiently?
either way u choose will affect e ending.
r u willing to risk it all?
perhaps, perhaps
welcome to e boulevard of broken dreams
.shan. [11:00 PM]
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Good Charlotte - Hold On
This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
You're mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to no more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to no more
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on
What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on
.shan. [10:24 PM]
i can't help myself. juz too sentimental; tt's juz me. yes i do hate u, so much tt i tremble w anger when i say ur name. it's hard nt to lose faith, it's harder to stop brooding. it's more than betrayal, it's more than disppointment, it's more than words can describe. all i can do nw is suppress it, to push it away, and perhaps even runaway. like u. it defeats all tt i've been fighting for, in e end it all comes to naught. y bother to even begin in e 1st place? y let such a tragedy begin? y bring everyone so much pain?
pain is e only thing that tells u ur alive
.shan. [10:13 PM]
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
well i saw e mtv of Burn on tv ytd b4 i went out to e city. listened to e lyrics n i felt an overwhelming sense of melancholy. it is how i feel nw - burning inside. engulfed by a fire of memory, everything's juz went off e track like that. e tracks broken, there's no way i can turn back on e track. i wouldn't know wat to say to mk things right again, nor would i wanna do anything more. i speak to myself in past tense bcos i know it's gone & i accept it.
i saw her online ytd, din wanna appear cos i'm afraid to know what will happen (even though high chances she won't talk to me). but i dun even wanna have a possibility. so i think i shld juz leave u alone, leave things when they're nt that ugly yet. at least i still rmber e best of u that way; ur beauty tt remains in my memory.
.shan. [1:48 PM]
Usher – Burn
Girl, understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you
I justI feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now
than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn
[Verse 1]
It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think ya gonna change ya
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus there’s so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn
[Chorus]
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn
Deep down you know it's best for you except but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn
[Verse 2]
Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same find myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feelI know I made a mistake
Now it's too lateI know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my boo
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-eleven days, um-teen hours
Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)
[Chorus]
[Bridge]
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry
[Breakdown]
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh
Ooh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?)
Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh
So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return
[Chorus]
.shan. [1:43 PM]
Monday, April 03, 2006
u know actually come to think of it, i really did mk e right choice. it's one of those times where u have to do what u need to do, get wat i mean? i suppose ur right, i din write e letter on an impulse. i really think there's truth to that letter and that i do still feel that way. i learnt that i've been too passive in my communication with people, like i go to great extents to compromise others' feelings such that i suppress mine. that is y i find it increasingly hard to go on; simply because my needs & expectations r not met. besides e fact that i din disclose my feelings often, i din think that u'll b bothered to mk changes anw.
so ya, this may b e ending that i've predicted of but nv felt e impact till it happened. like it's so me, i dun care whether u loved me so long as i love u and u r willing to accept my love then i dun care abt anything else. i think it shld b considered amazing that it even lasted so long, i mean it was agape! c'mon.. i'm talking abt human beings here, n i feel i have given more than i could so i dun c wat is wrong abt letting u know abt how i really feel. afterall self-disclosure is part of building intimate relationships rite? if u loved me u'd have tried to please me n live up my expectations, but if u dun, then it can't b anymore obvious that we dun c eye to eye. we haven't always been able to, juz that i din say n u din ask, n i jolly well hate to debate. discuss perhaps, but nv debate.
so there, unblocked. take watever time u need to think watever u think u shld b thinking, i'm standing firm dis time round. i can only bend this far, n i've swollowed my pride so much that is enough to be considered spineless. shall start being less of a victim to others' pushover, dun c y i shld tk all e shit anymore. no more suffering for pple who dun care for no one more than themselves.
.shan. [7:42 PM]
Saturday, April 01, 2006
it's April Fools' day. i wish that it could all b joke so that i could laugh it off and everything's fine & dandy again. e weather's been pretty gloomy these days, that juz adds to my depression. ytd i cried buckets b4 drifting into an unsettled slp, and woke up so bloody early. things r still a mess, i still feel juz as bad. it was e 1st time i cried so bad ever since i've been back even though i swore nv to shed another tear for someone who doesn't care abt u. but it all came out, all that has been suppressed. i kept away all her photos, except for one beside my mirror. trying so hard to delete traces of her but she juz kept coming back. i dun think she's read e email yet, but she shld know wat it is all abt. i was so pathetic last nite that i sent her e silliest msg: i dunno who u r but can u tell me where i can find my daphne? if u c her pls tell her that i miss her n that i want her back. tell her i love her. thanx. that muz have sounded real pathetic, she din even reply, probably having fun somewhere out there.
i jolly well know e fucking ans.
give it a rest,
rest stop.
period
.shan. [10:11 AM]
