today i had my spanish oral quiz. ok i didn't stutter at least even though i was nervous. 2 teachers conducted the oral, one was my Ms HOT-spanish-teacher (heehee), and the other was Mr. Intimidating-but-funny-mexican. i remember saying 'otra vez, por favor' MANY times (meaning 'again, please'). i would be over the moon if i could pass with a merit =/

recently i decided to inculcate the hispanic culture in me, so i downloaded quite a few latino songs. well at first i was like 'omg, easy there on the trumpet!', but now i'm like 'yeah, i wish i knew how to dance latino!'. haha and then again today, i decided to listen to mei about watching spanish news in the morning, and i did. and i also had a headache after that 'cos i was trying so hard to catch what they say! gee they speak REALLY fast, i could only catch a few words and try to figure the rest from the images. then i begin to realise that it's gonna take me ages to master spanish well enough to travel to hispanic regions, definitely much more than 3 modules!

whoa, damn sad. por qué tan dificil? :(

i went to cut my hair on friday. i just couldn't take it anymore, the winds getting stronger and my hair is annoying the hell out of me. so i went to the salon, and my hairdresser is the boss. for a hairdresser, he's doesn't look like a hairdresser (if u know what i mean). he looks like an ordinary guy, but oh he's quite cute. hee. so i sat on the chair and he goes like..

haha he's so cute lah. but the haircut was bloody $AUD50, think it's e most expensive i've ever cut! so broke now :( and he din exactly quite keep the length. a bit heartpain to see my efforts to grow my hair go wasted, but then again, i always feel happier & lighter w shorter hair :)

ok it's winter now, i think. the weather really has an impact on me - i can't seem to wake up anymore! it's like when the alarm clock rings, my hand reaches over to snooze it, my head turns half a pillow, and i open my eyes wide enough to re-set the time. woala, task accomplished! it's so cold, and i don't wanna get outta bed! i don't wanna do anything but sleep! totally understand how and why animals hibernate during winter.

it is also at this time of the year everything seems so depressing. i mean i do criminology, and seriously, it can be really dark. tell me about it when all you learn over these few years is how fucked up the criminal justice system is, and how the world is on its way to self-destruction. it's like you can see things, and you understand why they turn out like they did yet you can do nothing but watch the events unfold themselves right before you. what's worse is that you can't find one solution or don't even know where to begin because you just don't know.

i always thought that equality is ideal for the world. wouldn't it be nice if we could all be the same? well it's never gonna happen cos we are born different. even if we're of the same status, it's in Mankind to be greedy for power & control; there would always be someone fighting be the leader at the expense of others. communism didn't work, as if democracy did. what a world we live in.

screw it, i'm gonna curl up with my 'retard' pillow & forget the world for as long as i can.

hmm. i'm bored, so let's talk about 10 random things:

1) Peter Jackson sucks.

2) i can't believe Melissa R didn't win that competition! i mean she has the whole package!! the judges gotta be blind or something. Asia is so fugly & whorish! ARGH. i got so upset after the finale episode. this goes to show that the best doesn't always win, or the winner may not necessarily be the best. nvm Mel, you don't need the PCD, you can do better on your own!

3) i have to sleep with 2 pillows (unless you can give me 1 high pillow).

4) i'm beginning to like not wearing bra at home. i can understand why girls do it now! :D

5) i can't stop thinking about Monica's work laughter (in season 5). it never fails to make me laugh ALL THE TIME (i am now). even when i'm about to sleep.

6) when i see a sunny day in Melb, the first thing that comes to my mind is.. doing the laundry.

7) i think i'm homophobic.

8) i'm getting bad hair days nowadays :(

9) Mary's been missing in action! whatever happened to your blog?!! again!

10) i want to go near people but i can't or rather i can't let people come near me.


with regards to the last point, it's just something i learnt from my behavioural studies research proposal. my topic was on attachment styles, and i chose it because i wanted to know why i'm like that. so this is part of the research findings (i even referenced it uh!) :

Generally, three main types of attachment styles are found - secure, avoidant, and anxious/ambivalent. A secure attachment indicates having confidence that the attachment figure will be available and respond, sensitively and open to the need for proximity (Prior & Glaser 2006, p. 25). Avoidant attachment is deemed to stem from consistent negligent or rejection by caregivers during development. More avoidant individuals appear to be cynical and indifferent about the intentions of their attachment figures and others (Simpson & Tran 2006, p. 9). Hence, they tend to disengage themselves (emotionally) from others when possible. Anxious/ambivalent attachment, on the other hand, is understood to be a result of inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving during development. More anxiously attached individuals are insecure about whether they are worthy of love, fear rejection, and contemplate about the presence of their attachment figure (Simpson & Tran 2006, p. 9).

i'm not trying to point fingers here, i know my parents did the best they knew how to bring me up. i guess i'm somewhere in between avoidant & anxious/ambivalent (more towards avoident i reckon). it's just some self-awareness thing, but i really don't know what to do about it. i don't like or know how to deal with people & emotions. i just try my best to keep things simple for myself. and that i know means i should go back to my 'beloved' criminology :/

so long, adíos amigas!

i heard that the best way to forget something is to not mention it, kinda like let the secret bury underground till someday maybe, perhaps, someone stumbles upon it. but then that wouldn't entirely mean forgotten right?

and often i hear people claiming that they can 'forgive but not forget'. how the hell is that possible?! forgiving mean letting go, like totally erasing it. so if you can't forget about it, that's not really forgiving. if you beg to differ, then can i say that i can 'forget but not forgive'?

i'm sorry if i sound emotional on my blog, but i think i reserve the right to be since i don't usually express myself on the surface. this is like the only place where i can like write random stuff and vent my frustrations (hey i'm only human afterall ok), so it's ok if you don't really understand.

maybe there are some things that i'm running away from or just plainly denying. too many questions just make my head spin, then i can't breathe. i have many defense mechanisms that i don't know of and i'm sorry if i have used it on you. i am just as clueless as you. or rather helpless.