Friday, October 28, 2005

being with you is like living under a totalitarian rule
where my rights r forfeited
where my words fall upon deaf ear
when they're nt in tune w urs.
n where all my revolutions r suppressed by ur army

i'm loathe of u
but yet i love u
i wanna pls u in everyway i can
n i am trying hard
but u juz seem so insatiable
which makes me feel incompetent
i feel tired trying to reach out for u
and not being able to no matter how hard i try

u feed on my weaknesses
gt me wrapped arnd ur fingers
driving me up the walls
my heart nv knew such agony
i know that soon it would nt b able to take it.
but i'm afraid to let go

i dun deny that u love me
but how serious r u abt it?
i am grateful that u have stood by me all these times
but deep down inside
my wound is still open
blood still flowing
juz tt i hid it frm u

u assumed things were alrite
while i secretly rebelled inside
yet i fear to flee
n i won't b'cos i dun wanna c u fall.
but this internal struggle
i dunno how long i can take it.

.shan. [1:35 AM]

smtimes u pause to look back, and u think to urself: y did i do this in e 1st place when i know what is the ending gonna be? the answer is: u'll nv know until u try b'cos e ending may not b wat u expect to be. smtimes things turn out e way u expected b'cos u made it happen w the pre-knowledge that u assume it'd happen that sets ur mindset such that u subconsciously manipulated the ending (fundamental attribution error). u blame others for the outcome, u said: i knew it! but couldn't u have done sthg to change e situation? is it really impt who's fault was it? everyone have a role in every situation, even in a car accident where u r the eye-witness. it is ur responsibility to call the ambulance and if u ignored it, would u feel guilty if the victim dies? or would u shift e blame to others saying that they could've called e ambulance? u expected someone to do it.. but y not u?

Man are wimps (inc myself). it takes 1 in a million to start a revolution, 1 brave soul to stand out of the crowd, withstanding the social pressure, while others repress themselves b'cos they do not wanna b outcast or different. u point a finger at others and laugh at them, but who's e real loser here? at least they're strong enough to stand up for themselves, for what they believe in which we shld applaud for their courage. i hope that pple can accept others for who they r & how they behave, and nt b disapproval juz b'cos they r nt like the norm b'cos they're human juz like us w emotions & rights.

PAUSE.

.shan. [12:50 AM]

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

everytime u think that things cannot get worse than they already r, u find that there is another deeper hole. there is no end to sufferings, seldom a cure for it. life is so unpredictable, i can no longer be certain of anything anymore. i used to believe that pple shld save e best for e last, but no, i dun believe anymore. it's juz like u save ur fav dish for e last, but u realize tt when u come to e last, which is ur fav dish, ur either alr full, or it has turned cold or worse, someone has finished it. u dun get to enjoy it.. so y keep holding back when u dunno wat's gonna happen nxt? i dun mean to live for e moment, but smtimes pple tend to get so bogged down by e consequences or obsessed w being right that they choose to do things that they dun agree or r reluctant to. it takes courage to defy it, it takes u to listen to ur heart & instincts. but tt is e problem, many dun listen & live to regret. i dun wanna b like that, but at many times i've been forced to bow down to pressure.

love can be a burden. too. it's sthg pple give u & u can't reject it. but admire e fact tt they're giving it at their own expense. how often can u do sthg w/o upsetting ur loved ones? can u help e way u think or do? to put it in a selfish way, it is ur life. u live w it ultimately so who r u to ctrl it? "it's for ur own good" oh really? nt all e time i reckon.. it's abt pride. it's juz like punishments in e past, e State punished based on e offence nt on y e offence is committed. how many can realise tt? doing sthg wrong may not b wrong b'cos it is nt socially acceptable. pple judge things on e surface & condemn u when ur nt normal. is anybody normal in e 1st place? dun u have any weird habits? or issit that u do nt dare to stand out of e crowd & admit tt u r different such tt u force urself to lead a life of wat everyone else is blindly leading? till time has passed, u look back & regret: gosh, i shld've done tt.. by then, it's too late. we can't turn back e hands of time..

.shan. [7:01 PM]

Thursday, October 06, 2005

tears flowing freely down my face
as i tilt over e edge
with my arms wide open
& feel e wind on my skin.
e sky looked threatening;
then heaven saw me & began to cry.

out of nowhere
an unknown force from behind
my heart skipped a beat
e wind grew so strong.
i turned arnd to look
& it was u.

e moment seem to hang.
i nv knew such pain.
ur eyes were as cold as glass
even if i pleaded.

then it stopped.
down w e tears of heaven.
lost of hope.
silence is everywhere..

i closed my eyes
& smile w such bitterness.
it's gonna b ok,
it's over.

.shan. [8:30 PM]

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

numb is how i feel nw. tell me what to do to revive my broken soul for i know not how to. show me some sincerity in ur words, let me love u again. show me tt i matter to u, a lot.

i can't give u no more cos i gt no more strength.
on the verge of snapping
honey, can u c it?
is e world all abt u?
y can't u be there juz like i've been there for u?
when u realised tt u've left me behind
it's gonna b too late;
cos i'm alr gone.

.shan. [1:35 PM]

Monday, October 03, 2005

Scars
Papa Roach - Scars

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus]

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

.shan. [2:24 AM]