the spring cleaning season is imposed on me. god it sucks constantly breathing in the dust. but it feels great to throw away stuff though. some stuff. it surprises me how things that used to mean so much to you could devaluate to such unworthiness over time. is it just me or is it that there is a fixed period of existence for everything in this world? i dare not speak of eternity because i know nothing of it.

time passes so fast that you change without realising. but you leave traces of your past; we forget till it catches up with us someday. i read up my journals and diaries i wrote when i was younger. my english in primary was atrocious! not that i have improved tremendously since then but seriously, ATROCIOUS! this is something i wrote in my P4 journal titled My Sister:

I have two sister but i am going to talk about is my biggest sister. Nowadays she always nag, and if she nag, she will have alot words to talk. She will make you do alot of things at a time. She her ownself did not do anything.
Once i go to her room, she will nag again. She will said: "Please knock the door before you come in!" I know she is doing something secret. Sometime i come in she covered her things and don't let me see. She is alway very little work to do, so she always do rubbish.
I don't know why this would happen to her, even my second sister says that also. Maybe she left her bestfriend in st.nicholas girls' school.


goodness! i nearly died of disgust and laughter when i read this. oh my, i totally have no right to laugh at my former housemate's english since i was once this bad! i bet my english teacher must have vomitted gallons of blood reading my journals for the whole year. you see, that's one of the main reasons why i don't aspire to be a teacher.

then as i grew older, my english kinda stabilized. hah but i was hell of a problem teenager (well who wasn't?). many many crushes, some which i don't even remember well enough what i did with them. they just sorta come and go, and i grew out of it. actually come to think of it, i was rather fickle-minded and i get tired of people easily. maybe i did change, and perhaps not after all. like what aimee said: let's be nothing, i heard it lasts forever.

The stronger the nostalgia, the emptier of recollections it becomes. For nostalgia does not heighten memory's activity, it does not awaken recollection; it suffices unto itself, unto its own feelings, so fully absorbed is it by its suffering and nothing else.


~Ignorance by Milan Kundera



if i set my mind on you, then it's you and only you that i want. even though you are already dead to me, my devotion prevails.

strike two.

seriously, i find myself feeling very disappointed and appalled at the same time. i am an island on my own, and i am shifting this island to either north or south pole (depending on where's the ozone hole) away from the rest of the world. i think penguins can be quite entertaining.



i am so sorry. i was just as angry as you were. it really wasn't easy for me at all.

yesterday i finally got the chance to check out brewerks at clarke quay. beer wasn't that great, but different and the appetizer totally sucked. omg twice i went to the toilet, twice i got confronted by the toilet attendent (2 individual ones). WTF. DO I LOOK LIKE A GUY?!! i may be flat, but it's not my fault can! hmph.

life can take such a twist for some that it's almost unimaginable, but it happens. love can make miracles; or it can destroy you. it's scary to think about it. maybe i am a coward after all. maybe that's why i put spaces in between. when i see you i run in the opposite direction. i'm keeping my heart tight to me.

usually i like to stay home on wkends because i hate to coincide with the human traffic, it gives me headaches. so last sunday i got down to clearing my table after years of procrastination. then i stumbled upon some stuff, things i might have forgotten after so long. unlike many others, primary school was my golden era. i loved it, i had most fun. i was young and carefree. haha more irresponsible and ignorant too. when i read the stuff that i wrote then they are totally hilarious lah.

then i came across this peer guidance thing i did in sec sch. you know those self-awareness stuff that your sch made you do. so it goes like this..

DEVELOP SELF-ESTEEM. COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING:

The thing i like best about myself__my sense of humour__.

When i__know that there are many people out there who care for me__i feel like a success.

I have the ability to __ mimick people__.

When i __make people happy__i like myself.

I praise myself when i __do something right__.


hmm i was pretty shocked when i read this. i came up with this answers in sec 3? such a people-pleaser, i'm ashamed of it. i have such a low self-esteem. help. here's more where i contructed my personal profile..


my strongest interests are: indoor volleyball, outdoor activities, information on Russia (O-M-G i know, tell me about it), 'angry' music (really angsty kid huh?).

my strongest abilities are: mimicking others, making people laugh, arguing (oh my since when?!!), matching colours (wth..).

my personality.
i am: impressionable, helpful, humorous, prideful, responsible, shy, cowardy (WHAT?!!), retarded, honest.

i am not: loud-spoken, easily agitated, insensitive, friendly, bold, stubborn (hah), a cheater.

most important values: dignity, responsibility and pride. (omg these haven't changed at all!)


at last i find something im sure of that hasn't changed and will never.

i feel angry when... i don't reap what i sow.

i feel happy when... the person i love loves me back (awwww).



yup that's all folks. that's me.

argh. i hate being nice. what's nice? nice is such a.. generic term. me want to cuddle someone, me need to be cuddled too. occasionally. the midas touch, i like the sound of it though. hah.

we're here, there, not here, not there, swirling like specks of dust, claiming for ourselves the rights of the universe. being important, being nothing, being taught in our lives of our own making that we never wanted. breaking out, trying again, wondering why the past comes with us, wondering how to talk about the past at all.

.

..

...

....


we lived for the night. the torch in your window was my signal. when it was lit, i stayed away. when you extinguished it, i came to you - secret doors, dark corridors, forbidden stairs, brushing aside fear and propriety like cobwebs, i was inside you. you contained me. together, in bed, we could sleep, we could dream, and if we heard your servant's mournful cry, we called it a bird or a dog. i never wanted to wake. i had no use for the day. the light was a lie. only here, the sun killed, and time's hands bound, were we free. imprisoned in each other, we were free.

~ lighthouskeeping by jeanette winterson