Wednesday, December 27, 2006
ok i know. ok maybe i don't know anymore. you, you, you and many yous say the same thing about me. yes i need a gf, and yes i'm fussy. btw no, i do not like her, her or her. the fact is i do still love her, yes the same her (right from the start). i know there's nothing left for me to hold onto and i shouldn't be doing as much as i'm doing for her. trust me, i would have left if i could. don't worry, i won't go crawling back to her lah. i wasn't even the one who let go. but where are all the girls anw?! i keep catching ugly bungs with pretty gfs. so are ugly bungs the lastest fad?! ok being a lil bitchy right here but you have got to agree with me! not that i'm good-looking at all (not even a hard-core bung to begin with) but seriously i need more tao hua yun! hmph.
let's see.. am i really that fussy? more possible candidates should possess:
(let's start with appearance..)
-small eyes?
-nose w a bridge & a lil sharp?
-okay complexion?
-tanned?
-well-groomed?
-average slim?
-about my height?
wait a minute.. that actually sounds familiar? nvm looks are superficial. wait, somemore..
i'm really anal about some stuff like..
-late-coming
-chewing with your mouth open
-talking when i'm watching tv/movie
-raising your voice at me in the public
that's all i can think of now. i'm attracted to the kind that has..
-a good head on the shoulders (and i don't mean smart ass. more like someone with goals and directions, witty, i find bookworms sexy =x)
-a good heart! (considerate, empathising, etc)
-a good sense of humour
-musical talent/s (and that excludes snoring & making noise!)
-a mind of her own
-mature
hmm.. btw did i mention why i'm still single? lol ya fine, i'm fussy. that's girl-hunt list for now. friends, if you know anyone like that or somewhere near, intro me pleaseeee! best if can find one in melb, then we can do anything & everything =x fat hope i know, was telling Van i hope there'll be new blood in melb nxt sem. someone who's not into the circle, who's not already my friends' ex or my ex's friend. wow tough call. shall go sleep & dream on about it. hmph. gd night.
.shan. [3:55 AM]
i wish upon a star:
send an angel from up above
to cast a spell on me
to show me the existence of magic.
captivate me,
take me away
and bring me to life.
in my mind there is a world -
a world of my own,
of me and you.
a place where fables rule
where we are all happy.
this fantasy that i live in daily
is my only remedy to the harshness of reality.
.shan. [3:27 AM]
Monday, December 25, 2006
watching people die jolts you from sleep. good things come to an end to make you realise what you had was good. shit happens so that you learn how to cherish things. love that is forsaken and forgotten, is fated to be since we all give up so easily. a love that is forbidden, that people do not forgive, is an ultimate tragedy. we plead sanity in this crazy world, but are we? promises pledged without committment, words travelling to and fro light as feathers yet lethal as poison; are our actions just for show?
time wearing us all, spinning each and every of us at its fingertips; its sinister mocking at our foolishness - to think that we have the power to defy it, to control it. we, disillusioned beings, demand more than we need. the fear of losing out to others, of being simply ordinary ignites the competition between us. we step on each other, jump at each others' throat, leaving a trail of bloodfeast behind. what else is left to live for? are our hearts only big enough for ourselves?
.shan. [6:30 PM]
Saturday, December 23, 2006
okie. new year, new wish, new skin, new everything. i even just bought my 1st piece of MNG clothing! lol oh, & nail polish! i know it's so O-M-G. yup everything's pretty.. i dunno. sometimes i dunno what's happening to me; well sometimes it's also good to just go with the flow and not think so much about things. i may be a little eccentric, but still healthy yah? shall go improvise on my wish cum to-do list now..
MERRY XMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!
much love,
xxx
.shan. [2:14 PM]
Monday, December 18, 2006
WEE. today marks the end of my cust svc job at j8. wow, great sense of relief. serious. well this job may have been short but it really made a deep impact on me. this job is all about people. i guess now i can say that my greatest fear is Mankind; you just don't know what they are capable of.
i love my colleagues, the perm staffs of course. dun even begin about the other temp, the thought of him makes my blood boil. i guess we all could understand each others' frustration and perhaps that's what binds us together. i can be patient, i can be gentle and nice; provided that you treat me with respect and consideration. whoa and that's really rare.
i can say that this job gave me an opportunity to meet consumers from all walks of life - from gangsters to rich tai tais. many take for granted of what they are given; instead of appreciating the redemption, they turn around to demand for more. greed. i saw many ugly people day in day out. that made me appreciate those who are polite. gratitude is like a rare value in people these days. but a few did touch my heart; they are perhaps those few that keeps my faith burning. how often are you appreciated for the things you've done for someone else?
besides that, as usual i get all the names: mister, sir, xiao di, boy, xiao mei, miss, xiao jie, he/she. haha i just don't know what to say when my colleagues keep asking why i haven't had or have a bf. i will miss my colleagues. but it's free-ee-ee-dom for now =))
.shan. [3:12 AM]
Saturday, December 16, 2006
i wish that i could cut that part of my life out and throw it away. it all feels wrong and i don't think i deserve to be tortured like that. it was a hoax, a nightmare. i might have been sad, i might have nearly died but i still stand by my decision. i am definitely happier and stronger. i don't think i need someone to make me feel inadequate or ugly. when darkness turns to light, it ends tonight, it ends tonight.
.shan. [2:57 AM]
Thursday, December 14, 2006
i'm glad to be back for some reasons. i'm delighted to see some familiar faces yet i dread to see others who used to be part of my life. i'm tired of trying to fit into places where i don't belong, and maybe that's why people say that as one grows older, the social life becomes smaller. you get tired of being cheated of your feelings over and over again; of trying so hard to please those whom you don't even matter to. i don't like walking in the dark and i have been for far too long yet the light seems threatening with its brightness. i just want to feel comfortable; i just want to be me. how is it possible to love like i haven't been hurt before?
.shan. [4:06 AM]
Thursday, December 07, 2006
each time i think that my heart can't break anymore, it disintegrates further into smaller fragments scattered over the ocean of sorrows. why do we care about people who don't care about us? i'm tired but i can't stop. when i say it doesn't hurt it actually hurts fucking bad. what else can is left to do after crying your heart out, after missing them so bad? things are still the same. i try and i try but i lost my heart to you. so what else can i do?
.shan. [1:29 AM]
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
i am sick & tired of repeating myself. i mean every word i said (of course the serious stuff), don't even doubt me. just so, i think i am weaker than i am. i need you more than i think i do. and i love you more than i think do. you don't even know, because you don't even care.
.shan. [2:23 AM]
omg weary. my eye bags are really terrible. i feel so drained no matter how long i sleep. and i can hardly get a good night sleep. yesterday i actually dreamt i was being pursued by a vampire. hah. must have been triggered by the fact that i am reading the book - Interview with the Vampire. kinda going real slow on that. did i mention how tired i am? heh anyways, new job, new location. i'm at j8 cust svc counter, do drop by and say hi if you happen to be at j8 (from 12-8p.m). my 1st job in cust svc line, and i don't know what insanity drove me to taking it up.
call centre not so bad sia. on the frontline with customers are no jokes, esp with singaporeans & when you are giving away free goodies. i find the job so appalling that at the end of the day i feel like biting something. life is a hell when you have to face demanding, unreasonable, fugly, manipulative & cheapskate customers. try me, the list can go on forever. the only comfort is probably my colleagues except for the other temp staff which is a 16-yr-old boy. adolescents, can't stand them. no wonder the older people always say that young people are naive and immature. his questions make me wanna stuff my shoes & socks into his mouth. everyday has become a battle for me. i find myself floating on the ocean grabbing on a bunch of seaweeds sia =(
.shan. [2:06 AM]
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Lifehouse - Blind
I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
After all this time
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
hat I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
And I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me dies when I let you go
.shan. [1:13 AM]
