Monday, September 26, 2005
dear, i dunno wat to say. it's so pretty damn obvious tt ur taking me for granted. y r u nt cherishing tt lil time we have tog everyday? u tell me tt nth else matters but me? tell me how can i believe it when u push me to e bottom of ur 'to-do' list? i'm nt being sensitive.. i've de-sensitized so much tt i dunno whether i shld even bother to care abt u anymore since u dun seem to appreciate it. i dun even c wat's e pt in talking when we can't even carry a proper conversation w/o having to wait ages for ur reply or u getting distracted. & i have to wait patiently on e other side? e wait juz dampens my mood, my enthusiasm, my love. dis is sthg so basic tt my frens can do tt & u, my lover, can't? tt is e utmost disappointment.. how can i nt feel neglected & invisible? & wat's e pt of telling u wat's wrong when u won't accept it? i'm human too, i run out of patience too. can u juz realise wat r u doing?
i love u
but i dun have ur love
how are we to carry on?
.shan. [4:02 AM]
Saturday, September 24, 2005
lols.. omg! me? gd business sense?! *rolls on e floor laughing* U GOTTA B KIDDIN ME!!
.shan. [6:35 PM]
| Your Birthdate: September 17 |
Your birth on the 17th day of the month suggests that you are very lucky financially, because this date indicates a solid business sense.
Although you are probably very honest and ethical, this birthday enables you to be shrewd and successful in the world of business and commercial enterprise.
You have excellent organizational, managerial, and administrative capabilities enabling you to handle large projects and significant amounts of money with relative ease.
You are ambitious and highly goal-oriented, although you may be better at starting projects than you are at finishing them.
A sensitivity in your nature, often repressed below the surface of awareness, makes it hard to give or receive affection. |
.shan. [6:25 PM]
oh well, it's been a wk since i've blogged. hah.. longest so far. busy catching up on my assignments & feeling fatigue lately. dis is wat happens when u haven't been eating proper meals.. wat to expect? cooking tks up so much time & energy. k fine, excuses watever.
well smtimes when u least expect sthg to happen, tt's when things happen. gd or bad.. but i think tt no matter wat i think tt there will b plus & minuses in life tt we've gotta live w. smtimes i think tt God is fair as in at my lowest, he springs surprises & gives me e strength to move on. but smtimes things get so fucked up & screwed tt u dunno how to get outta e sticky situation then u'd b blaming God for being unfair to u. tt's life.. full of contradictions. so r human beings.. say thing & do otherwise. nevertheless, i dun think i can ever adopt a religion. i believe in fate.. but nt say tt we do nth abt our lives & juz sit back & wait for things to happen. i mean, wat's urs is urs. even if u fought for it, at least u know tt it's nt meant to b urs b'cos u tried & u din get it. besides my cynicism & pragmatism, i feel tt religion is juz a form of relief, escapism; smthg to put ur mind at ease. yes, Man r constantly in self-denial & they juz refuse to accept reality. i look at e atrocities happening arnd e world & i thot to myself: do those pple deserve it? y r sm pple born to suffer? dis world will nv b equal, no matter how long. there muz b inequality in order for a society to function in proper.. pple filling up different roles w diff status. it depends on ur luck, ur ability to bring u smwhere in life.
there're simply too much tragedies in life tt i've witnessed tt made me lose faith in praying although i pray to (whichever God) like every other religious man tt things will somehow turn out rite for pple who're suffering in silence. i mean i'm nt devout but praying is all tt i can do, i would help if i could.. i juz wish pple can b more appreciative of wat they have nw (which includes me). look arnd u & imagine wat's a life w/o those thing, those pple.. it mks a whole lot of difference..
.shan. [6:07 PM]
Friday, September 16, 2005
well, dun bloody fucking tell me u know how it feels like when ur juz an onlooker. ur nt e one going thru this so stop telling me to try harder assuming tt i put in no effort at all. hah. like i want things to turn out dis way. i'm human too; i've emotions too u know. i cry when i fall too, i need time to get on my feet. n how easy would it b to get on ur feet alone? y r u expecting so much frm me? i can't breathe, can't tk dis pressure. tell me tt u care for me when u juz threw me on a foreign land to fend for myself. ya, so wat if u paid everything for me & gave me material comfort. tt's nt wat i want or need ultimately 'cos at e end of e day u'll b so disappointed to know tt i actually hate u so much. who r u to decide wat's best for me? so wat if we're related but we can't exchange more than 10 sentences w/o disagreeing w each other? tell me wat's a family when u dun even know wat i like or wat r my habits. i dunno whether to b happy or sad when i found out tt my sisters actually gave me e most un-like me present & they have e cheek to tell me e postage is exp. i juz dunno wat to think.. utmost disappointment i feel. i dun understand y my frens dun mind e cost & they do when they can spend so much on their bf & scrimp on me?
fine.. let's juz nt talk abt present. let's talk abt quality family time. nobody wants to talk to me or has anything to tell me unless they need a channel out or they wanna get sthg else. do they have to do it so obviously & mk me feel so unwanted? silence is all u can give me. can u even show me wat is warmth tt i grew up w/o? all i know is tt i've to fend for myself all the time tt i've grown so detached frm everyone cos i din dare to trust since u betrayed my trust so many times. family is e basic unit of living, so if ur own family dun even keep their words, dun expect me to believe in anyone. dun promise me anything unless u mean it. show me some genuity, if there's any more left in dis world. i hate to hear "i'm sorry, i.." shudup! tell me tt u dunno how to express ur love.. then tell me how u expect me to know how to when u nv showed me how to? f**k u, juz leave if u want or let me go. if u think u r doing wat u think is best for me then i'm sorry ur wrong, tt's wat u want me to do. i'm nt ur doll for u to manipulate, u gave me life so let me live it.
.shan. [6:18 PM]
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
omg.. juz gt thru another sucky day. can anyone tell me how to boost ur confidence? i juz dun bloody have it.. e more i try to do smthg rite e more i screw it up. makes me feel like a complete idiot failure! i'm so uptight & tensed, feel like i can't do nth rite and won't b able to & i can't let it go w/o harping. tortured day & night by my failures, can't i get smthg rite in my life at least? oh god.. i so wanna throw away my brains so that i can't even think, so that i dun even know tt i'm failing in life.
i wanna love myself more, i wanna have confidence & faith. but how?
.shan. [3:35 AM]
Monday, September 12, 2005
Let Me Go
3 Doors Down – Let Me Go
One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go
I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin’ through
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
[Chorus]
And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know I know..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows
[Chorus]
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me
.shan. [1:05 AM]
Sunday, September 11, 2005
sitting at my dresser, looking ahead at my reflection.
who r u? wat r u doing?
i hardly recognize myself anymore
so tired, sapped.
i weep; i weep for my broken soul.
obligated to show my love for u
is smthg i am nt strong enough to fight against.
so i dry my tears,
put on my make-up, thicker than before;
to mask my face juz to make u happy.
turning my back on my reflection,
i wear a smile -
ready for the nxt show.
i look ahead as ur eyes burn into mine.
sorry, i can't.
i can't let u c the weaknesses inside of me.
i juz can't let u tk anymore of me away from me.
.shan. [11:57 PM]
y do i find myself getting uglier?
i loathe my reflection,
it's smthg i avoid looking at everyday.
where was the me that everyone liked?
will u only miss me when i'm gone?
nw i'm really gone,
is anyone looking for me or missing me?
or do u even know i've ceased to exist?
i find myself in hell trapped in a cell,
confined to solitude.
i'm claustrophobic
i can't breathe.
jealousy, hate, possession, lies.
they're all taking a piece of me.
pull me outta this shit,
it's wearing me down to battle them constantly.
the worse part yet,
is that u dun know it.
hear me cry in agony alone in my world
.shan. [11:30 PM]
Saturday, September 10, 2005
pause.
i dunno wat's going thru my mind,
afraid to know or maybe afraid to admit.
i dun wanna know how i feel
afraid to learn tt i can't change e way i feel.
so wat am i to do nw?
my heart worn & stretched so thin,
can't hardly tk any more blows;
can't afford to.
i'm this close to hating u.
i wanna shut u out,
but i can't.
i loathe my soft heart- so fragile.
shld i tk e plunge & fall to death?
or wait for salvation?
gt no time to spare
'cos e fire is catching up on me.
can't breathe;
i'm choking to death
.shan. [10:13 PM]
| The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now. |
.shan. [5:56 PM]
Friday, September 09, 2005
man... i juz had e most outrageous conversation w a guy. it's my hsemate, he juz gave me e exclusive details of his sex life. omg.. e world is juz so unfair, how does he manage to get so many girls? shit u lucky guy.. & all e girls sounded SO HOT! well, of cos i'd wish to experience tt kinda life too, but it's juz a pity tt i get emotionally attached easily and maybe nt tt bold to initiate things. i mean.. is dis e adult world? all abt sex? so many players arnd.. so wat if u had girls & great sex and e nxt day everyone juz ends it w a 'bye'. i mean dun u feel empty inside? like.. it's juz so un-fixed.. dis world is crazy enough n even ur life is so.. ever-changing, dun u ever get tired? well, maybe sticking to one can get pretty boring smtimes but u know i'm talking abt real love where there's real concern & big sacrifices. yea it's tiring too, but at least u dun feel empty. at least u know u've sthg to fall back on when ur 'hit'(although smtimes u dun). i mean u can't b leading tt kind of wild sex life forever.. it's juz temporary pleasure. isn't there more to life than juz sex?
i've always had -ve thots abt sex, i juz felt tt it was sinful. smtimes i wished tt God nv invented 2 sex so tt there wouldn't b inequality, so that there wouldn't b rapes in this world. i know sex is pleasure but pple abuse it. i was brought up in what i would call a rather conservative kinda envt where i was taught tt sex comes after marriage & tt sex is sthg sacred shared betw a man & a women. well from what i c, nobody hardly practices it anymore. i do still believe tt sex is only to b done w someone u truly love, but maybe nt only after marriage. i nv thot tt i'd b committed in a relationship so deeply or any so soon. but nw tt i'm in one, i learnt a lot of things abt e society & also abt myself. sex is definitely part of a relationship, but only when u get to tt level where it comes with no fear or obligations & u r really sure abt each other. i dun think i can ever have sex w someone i juz met though i may imagine but.. it's juz nt possible unless i'm dead drunk or high on drugs which most prob i wouldn't b cos í always have to tk care of other pple. yea.. n it takes a lot for me to open up to someone. i'd love to explore e other (wild) side of e world cos i know it's fun in a way but i'm nt up for it cos i only have 1 person in my heart nw. & tt makes a whole lot different. i mean if i din meet her, i'd most prob b trying out nw.
well, e sucky thing nw is tt we're apart & i miss her SO MUCH. i'm so repressed nw tt i think when i go back, i'm gonna lose my head. yea but my stand is tt sex is still w someone i love, nt someone whom i juz met (although she may b hot & so) or someone i lust after. when i c my hsemate nw, so wat if he had so much fun? he's all alone nw.. n when he finally meets someone who's touched his heart, he's too reserved to do anything (nt to mention tt i think it's q.impossible for them to b together though). but ya.. i mean it's really different when it comes to someone u really love. man.. u may think tt i'm a silly cuckoo tt haven't seen much or juz blabbering like a lovesick puppy, but u juz wait & c.. sex is a whole lot more meaningful w e ONE.
.shan. [4:10 PM]
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
well, i hope someone can fix me, fix my heart. i do us to be happy and crazy in love again. but issit possible? or shld i let go when e time comes so tt i could know wat i'm worth? but i know for me, i hold on till i can't tk no more. even if i know it's going down.. n i know it's e same for many out there. they know it in their heart; clinging on desparately to hope, that things will be gd again. smtimes it works, but sometimes it juz means it's nt meant to be yours.
.shan. [8:30 PM]
Fix You
Coldplay - Fix You
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Chorus
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
.shan. [8:20 PM]
Things have certainly changed. i think my heart is closing up already. too many disappointments tt shattered almost all the hopes. i'm juz waiting u know, till the day i can't tk it anymore. i think i'll juz walk away. i'm sorry, i shld've known. shld've, would've, could've, if only. no man.. can't turn back e hands of time. i knew u were such a person, i saw myself step into dis deep shit right b4 my eyes & i can't do nth abt it. i deserve it, i juz dunno wat to think now. maybe i dun even know how to face u anymore. i dun even think i know u or understand u no more. my heart can't tk too much of a rollercoaster; i hate rollercoaster rides 'cos u'll nv expect when's e nxt dip. it makes me sick in e stomach. y am i putting myself thru dis? i wanna leave yet my heart won't allow me to. i hate it when i go soft, y shld i care so much anyway when u dun even care abt urself? we belong to different worlds, i dun even know y we're tog or how we can possibly love each other. things r juz nt e same anymore.. after all those quarrels, all this time, my heart is hardly pumping anymore.
listen to my heart.
it's a dying pulse.
.shan. [8:12 PM]
Saturday, September 03, 2005
well, if u've been in a relationship, u'd probably feel tt dis song is so true. i feel like dedicating it to u but i know tt u'll b hurt & i dun think u'd question wat went wrong. i wanna let go yet i can't & i dunno wat am i holding onto. yes, u said u care most abt me & u love me. sorry, but maybe i dun get e way ur expressing it, so u failed to convince me. i dun think i demand very much of u & i dun know how long i can hold on anymore. it kills us both each time we quarrel, but each time i quarrel i realise tt i know u more & i learnt how to deal w things, & also i noticed tt e more significantly different we r. maybe it would have been better if i din love u so much or i dunno u any better, i'd probably b happier. great love comes w great pain & there can b no joy w/o suffering. really? smtimes i think tt even if we suffer so much we dun get to enjoy... i nv knew such heartache till i met u. smtimes when i look back i was thinking if i had nt been so rash, i wouldn't end up in sucha pathetic plight. but 1 thing gd is tt watever tt's happening betw us sure highlighted my weaknesses & tt gave me chances to deal w it. i dunno wat to think or do anymore b'cos i'm so afraid of making more mistakes & my heart may nt b able to tk e blow, it may juz die. maybe tt's when i dun hold onto u anymore.. 'cos ur only almost here or nv here all e time. i dun think i'll lose out much..
.shan. [5:30 PM]
Almost Here
Brian McFadden feat. Delta Goodrem – Almost Here
Did I hear you right
'Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you
Shadows bleeding through the light
Where a love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?
Chorus
But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here
I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Please protect me
Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you
But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's
Not enough
But when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'Cause you're only almost here
Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you
But when I need you, you're almost here
(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)
And when I hold you, you're almost here
(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)
(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears'Cause I know I'm almost here)
Only almost here
.shan. [4:57 PM]
Friday, September 02, 2005
yep, yet another day passed. i dunno.. things r juz in a mess, ever since i gt here. nth's going rite.. struggling w my studies, can't seem to get into e study mood, can't conc, can't do nth. it's driving me crazy.. nt only ur world is crumbling apart, mine too. can't reach anything, can't have anything, but i have everything to lose. God i swear i nv imagined things to turn out to b this hard. it's me, e independent hermit tt has spoken. every move i make seem to juz mk things worse, but i can't stand there & nt move. e more desperate & harder i try to get it rite, e more things get outta hand. i can hardly handle it anymore.. i want my life back, i want my happiness again. juz tell me wat i gotta do to get it back..
.shan. [3:15 PM]
