Wednesday, June 28, 2006
i am so not used to it. it's really been a looong time since i've heard family quarrels. and i always feel really awkward 'cos i hate to argue and i know that arguments can also be gd, but it's just a horrible feeling. i dunno y i can't seem to argue w anyone, i just don't find the meaning of it. i would refer to it as a moment of irrationality, a moment of regret. and i dun like the feeling of regret 'cos it infiltrates my system and never leaves. quarrels bring out the ugliest sides of people, and Man always remember the ugly things. it just takes a certain level of maturity and sensibility to be able to benefit from conflicts; sometimes it takes too long that the hostility solidifies like a tumour and spreads all over you. it's just another sad thought i guess..
.shan. [1:32 AM]
Monday, June 26, 2006
i burn with thoughts
thoughts that never rest
my mind shuttles between there and there
bounded by walls that no one could get through
i try,
i try to stand on my worn-out soles
a fatal struggle to fight off my defeat
whispers that echo in the lonely darkness of the night
running,
i'm running as fast as i can
bringing everything i hold dear to me
the weight that weighs
binds me like an anchor.
like a criminal trying to erase traces of evidence
i dig as hard as i could
so that i could bury you
and everything of you
deep down six feet under.
it was a dream i lived and died for.
.shan. [3:00 AM]
Sunday, June 18, 2006
i'm lost.
i keep going round & round in circle and i'm sick & tired of it. i don't know how i can break this vicious cycle, how i can stop you from crawling under my skin, how i can just forget everything and lead a new life. i keep walking and searching for an exit but i can't find any. my feets are swollen & numb from walking, my patience is running out, my thought are so disorientated, i can't seem to do things right. i can't sleep or stop thinking so much that i drown them out with booze. i can't even get peace in my dreams. stop this overdriven mind before i do another silly thing.
.shan. [2:21 AM]
Saturday, June 17, 2006
why, why, oh why?!
.shan. [3:22 AM]
Friday, June 16, 2006
just keep swimming
just keep swimming
i was just swimming
enjoying the clear blue water
the colourful beds of corals
schools of fishes that playfully glide past me
i was aimless
i din wanna be bound
so that i could go wherever i want
but i never thought that i'll be confronted by a storm -
a very heavy rainstorm
got me tossed and turned
churning within its stomach like
a ragged doll inside a washing machine
it was fun and exciting
but also fear-gripping and risky
i got tired not long after
and started wondering when will the storm ever end
cos it's starting to hurt
but i couldn't stop,
i couldn't give up.
then finally it decided to go away
sunshine and fresh air once again
it feels gd to feel bath in the sunlight
then i turned around to head back to my shore
but i realised that the storm had carried me elsewhere
and now i'm stranded in the middle of nowhere
i don't know where to go
which direction to head
but i have to move no matter what
just keep swimming
just keep swimming
.shan. [9:06 AM]
Thursday, June 15, 2006
i cannot say that i understand what you're going through
nor the pain you've suffered
because i am not you
i may seem cold and heartless
but i am doing this for your own good
i won't wanna give you hope
for something that you know you can't have
and maybe never will have
you are less sober than you think
what i can say i know is that
desperation can drive people to deviate
consciously or subconsciously
i have to do what i have to do
for the good of all of us
i hope someday you'll be able to understand
and that you'll be able to get over her
you've had your head submerged in the water
looking for a needle for over a decade
it's time to let go
it's time to come up and breathe.
.shan. [12:36 AM]
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
i like being a driver -
so that i can drive people to their destinations
to where they want to be
to where they need to go
It makes me happy when they are happy
even if it means driving along the same route again
but sometimes i get sick
i get lost
i need to rest
i really wish that someone could give me a lift too
bring me to where i wanna be
where i need to go
without me having to give directions
without asking me where's my destination
and just take me to somewhere
where i could be happy
and well again
just let me sit back and enjoy the ride.
.shan. [11:34 PM]
Saturday, June 10, 2006
i'm studying for my next paper, management, and i came across a lot of interesting quotes. i like this subject 'cos it's like part of our daily lives - interpersonal skills.
why do relationships fail?
"Relationships fail because the needs of one or both parties are not clearly understood or cannot be met within the relationship. "
This one's regarding conflict. it's not such a bad thing afterall..
"If two people agree all the time, one of them is redundant."
And this goes out to people who are mending a broken heart..
"Don't waste your time on people who aren't willing to waste theirs on you."
.shan. [2:04 AM]
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
she inhales deeply
and let the smoke cloud her mind
like those thoughts
she breathes out the smoke thru her nose
as if she was fuming
but the thoughts stayed inside
stuck onto her organs
on every single tissue in her body.
stuck in reverse
the people pass her by like she didn't exist
she hangs her head low
her shoulders weighed down as in she had too much burden.
then she raises the stick between her fingers to her lips
and takes another puff
to smother the mind once again
to numb it
hoping that she can't feel the pain anymore.
.shan. [7:23 PM]
Monday, June 05, 2006
it corrodes my skin
it eats from inside out
till i see the scar tissues
i watch all these happening
frozen in that moment.
petrified
i'm immobalized
can't do nothing but watch
and i watch it spread
as it feasts on me like a glutton
i just watch
and i just watch it.
like water that flows through my fingers
i can't control it.
~y isit that it couldn't be?
.shan. [9:59 PM]
Saturday, June 03, 2006
right, sometimes we dwell too much on our pain that we don't realise that our pain mean nothing to those of others more unfortunate than us. shit happens to everyone and we protest to God for being unfair to us. but well by now i guess it's time to realise that there can be no equality (sadly) because we are all unequal to being with. yes, pain is everywhere, there's constantly someone suffering out there but you are definitely not the worse. look around you, those who are physically incomplete, disabled, or mentally unstable, those pple who love them, those pple whom they love. do you feel their pain? would you be able to understand the emotional (& also financial) stress they going through? people forget, don't you?
count your blessings.
think about your loved ones,
let them know that you care
even though they may not acknowledge.
yes, it's hard i know
before you think of giving up,
imagine that this might just be your last moment/s with them.
at least then, you know that you have loved them to your very best;
and that's what you do for someone you love.
afterall this world is about love, isn't it?
.shan. [8:12 PM]
Friday, June 02, 2006
perhaps it's like scratching a healing wound
it bleeds again
but it may leave a permanent scar now
it becomes a source of pain
and it stays with you till you die.
.shan. [3:31 PM]
sometimes i wish everyone is blind
so that they could see clearer
so that the world could be more beautiful
be surprised as u may be
i believe the world is more perfect w/o colours.
w/o perceptions, w/o judgments.
i dun like who i am supposed to be
i detest having to be what people want me to be
i wanna rip off the label stuck on my back
i just resent that person in the mirror
i plead guilty to self-hate
and that is the most severe crime one could ever commit.
~how did something so simple become so complicated?
.shan. [2:57 PM]
running, i'm running.
n i'm trippin'
help me out here
'cos i ain't gettin' far
i ain't movin' at all.
i left my soul on the battlefield,
n i ain't gonna turn back.
i dun wanna remember
and i refuse to,
but it keeps haunting me.
it wraps me up so tightly so much
that i ain't gt no air to breathe;
my lungs aflame.
too afraid to open my eyes to look,
too afraid to reach out to hold something.
no light no life;
i'm sinking in this quicksand of mine.
.shan. [1:06 AM]
The Perishers - Trouble Sleeping
I’m having trouble sleeping
You’re jumping in my bed
Twisting in my head
Leave me
I’m having trouble breathing
You’re sitting on my chest
I sure could use the rest
Leave me
It’s you
Why’s it always you and never me?
I’ve never dared to let my feelings free
Why’s it always you and never me?
I’ve never cared too much about honesty
I’m having trouble sleeping
I’m thinking of what you said
About the tears been shed
Leave me
It’s you
Now and always youbut never me
I’ve never dared to let my feelings free
Why’s it always you and never me?
I’ve never cared too much about honesty
.shan. [1:01 AM]
