today is the day (and i don't know why is it today), that i decided to put my words into action. finally. my fingers never worked faster, my heart never more determined, my will above all, most loyal to me. i did it. i cleared every trace. check my wallet, my pockets, my closet, any place that you think that i would hide sth at. nope, nth left, all into the small little starbuck paper bag; outta my sight. friends, you can celebrate for me. i made a decision today and i am not going to regret it. i don't know what took me so long. i'm ready to walk away, and i will just like any other times. there is no reason why i should not since there is no need for me to stay. i'm way overdued.

omg i lost my train of thought. my momentum of essay-ing. argh. chewing gums keeps me awake but it makes me hungry fast too (which is uh-uh), and i keep biting on e sides of my mouth! my mind just went off to random stuff again like contemplating whether i shld wash my pair of shoes which is falling apart but that's sorta my only pair of casual shoes. it has vomit
(just a lil but not mine ah), alcohol, and thick layers of dirt. hmm i love it, but looks like it's gonna die on me soon. this means shopping spree after exams! wee!

hai, tmr is another day to get through. 2nd chance, really hope i don't blow it again =/

You are longing for a little love and tenderness. At present you are feeling very sensitive and need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You don't need any further stresses, strains or arguments so take a deep breath and relax.

It's the time of year that you are apt to become extremely restless and emotionally withdrawn. This is preventing you from becoming deeply involved with a person or persons within your sphere of influence. If you are willing to 'let go' and release your inhibitions you will find that a great deal of physical satisfaction will result, far more than perhaps you even believed you were capable of. (um.. where's my girl?!! =( )

Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you. (hey no, i've always blamed myself for my shortcomings!)

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry. (again, where's my bitch?!!)

Sometimes one fears that its not worth formulating new ideas and projects because whatever you seem to have done in the past has never worked out and you are tired of, as they say, banging your head against a brick wall. No one seems to care. So now you are trying to get away from it all by withdrawing into a 'fantasy land' but unfortunately 'fantasy land' is just that and sooner or later you will have to return to reality so why delay the inevitable? When you do return, you will find that the situation is not as tough as perhaps you thought it was. (lol that explains why i always stone..)

hmm pretty accurate. i did the test twice so i sorta put the two together. heh.

sometimes you don't know why you try so hard to fix something that you didn't break. sometimes you don't know why you care about someone even though he/she has hurt you time and again. in the end, sometimes you question yourself, why did you even try in the first place? was it foolishness on your part? or is it because you strongly believe that your perseverance will touch the other someday (or maybe never)? we all have our times of crisis, and it's true that we're all not very appreciative of what & who we have till we lose them. it is also in moments of weakness, you come to realise who are true to you. hold them, there may never be a second chance.



when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak had to be strong enough to leave.

ok to distract myself or so called relax (although i think it's also part of me procrastinating, i just can't bloody think for the essay nw!). i'm going to watch the O.C season 2 & have my lunch. haha i know, i'm lagging (well, it's nth new anw). i think the O.C is sucha crap show with all the good-looking and rich people - the teenagers get over one another so quickly and their r/s r so complicated; none of them can stay single for long; the guys have raging testosterones and the adults r so nice yet scandalous too. wth..but i like summer, she's really cute & fun, unlike marissa who's so screwed. i must say all e women in this show have nice racks though (oops was i thinking aloud? =x)

yeah i'll just finish this season, nt sure if i wanna get season 3. oh well.. teenage drama only mah. besides, couples outta my face! my biggest wish now is for the whole world to break up and be single, nobody is supposed to like anybody, isn't that great? then we'll all just be friends!! *evil cackles* ok i'm nt really that mean, it's juz me stress talking you know, i dun really mean it except for the part "couples outta my face!" yeah so i guess i've talked enough gibberish & off i go, to watch the O.C, to see the nice racks keke! wish me luck for my driving! *gulps* dear Lord, almighty Father...

yeah miss angsty is back! i feel like bitting people now, esp that son of a bitch. rar! if she were in front of me i'd have snapped her neck right then. rar! and of all times, why do i fall sick now when my exam's nxt wk? when i've been stuffing myself with salads lately? maybe i shld just eat chips instead (which i am going to). wthwthwth!! argh!!!!

i know.. fancy taking this line from a hard nrg song? but then it's quite true ah.. that's how people move on. my god, how many tomorrows have i lost altogether? k i'll rather not think about it 'cos i'll lose another tomorrow. haha.

Somehow i like the 2nd definition more. it's a very thin line between romantic love & compassion. i can live with both, but compassion can pretty much wear you down in time to come 'cos you are fulfilling others' need and not yours. i have very high ideals of love and and therefore great expectations of a lover. i am aware yet i find myself volunteering for love death penalty time and over again. i see trouble yet i flirt with it to test my limits. i do things that may seem unneccesary to others (which sometimes they may be) 'cause my heart tells me to. i carry things that are heavier than i can manage; i pick poison ivy just to see how they intoxicate me. i run into walls wherever i turn and that's b'cos i built them. nobody breaks thru them; i am an island myself.

i'm really anal about latecoming. you know latecoming by itself is not very severe but the fact that you're coming late (for more than 15 mins) and you didn't inform the other beforehand or at all sets me off. i have the patience to wait (trust me on that) but i'd not like it to be tested b'cos you are just wasting my time waiting like a fool wondering when you'll come (unless you got a really gd reason for doing so). i'm not trying to imply that i'm a very busy person but life's short, i'd rather use the time to do something productive. and so i take latecoming as a form of disrespect. the very worse situation is that you're late, no explanations, & no apology. you would definitely c a black face, an irritable person snapping at you for the rest of the time. don't tell me it doesn't bother you to be kept waited? don't do to others what you don't want to be done unto. fight for some credibility in your words, will you? earn yourself some respect.

catharsis works out pretty good for me. so many random thoughts swimming round my head these days, and they're exterminating my brain cells (not that i have many of them).

seriously. it's starting to scare me, this ecstacy that i'm experiencing. i haven't been this happy since... i dunno when! i feel like dancing & singing while walking on the streets, i smile at the slightest fantasy, i.. can't take it, it's just too overwhelming! i feel so crazy that i can't seem to focus on my studies. it feels so strange.. haha rainbow after rain? i hope so.. shalalalala =))

ya it's nice to have reliable friends to remind you of what you dreamt when you were young. yea i love freedom, i don't like to be tied & i wanna do whatever i want w/o hurting anyone. that's why i used to always tell people that i would remain a hermit & that i could never love. but after so much has happened - too much freedom, too many rapid changes, too unsettled. it gets tiring, confusing and unbearable. can you find someone that could really stand by you through thick & thin and who believes in you? who understands you more than you do? all i know that if i could find that someone, i would consider myself the most blessed person on this world.

gees that's so totally happening..

change is the only thing that's constant. i think i'm guilty of self-amusement; i'm so fucking amused with how i've changed or am changing. okay i might have been a lil judgmental and rigid in the past, but heaven is fair enuff to lemme know how's it like on the other side. i can't stop laughing at the fact that it's my turn to be on the other side. this karma shit. it's just so tiring to keep up with the squeaky clean image, i hate it. i've seen quite a lot of shocked faces so far, and definitely more to come. hehe. uh huh i haven't been good, but not that bad. if ur here to judge and frown then fuck off k. sometimes you just gotta look beyond the surface, when you do lemme know. focus on the causes, not the act itself.


whatever. fuck yeah!

i hate to draw circles because to me, circles have to be perfectly round. i would never draw a circle freehand 'cos i know it wouldn't be perfect and that is something i can't stand. yeah that's me, a perfectionist; an idealist. if you wanna do something, make sure you put in everything and do it right. i don't accept things that are half-hearted or sub-standard, much less be satisfied with them. it's either all or nothing, a storm or drought, do or die.

But nothing is perfect, is it? am i being too rigid? too idealistic? this is perhaps my biggest weakness & strength. sure i can accept ambiguity, to a certain extent. if we're talking about societal or psychological problems, history, things that r beyond our understanding & control; things we'll never get to the bottom of or the truth of truths. But when it comes to emotions, where we have the ability to decipher (not to control but understand if you have the courage to), i can't accept maybes. pretending that nothing has happened doesn't mean that the problems do not exist and that somehow they'll just go away on their own over time. it's a foolish move 'cos you just wedged it in your throat, and they accummulate over time such that you start to choke on it.

i choke a lot, 'cos i refuse to face my fears. but i wish to change now, i'm tired of running. it takes courage to go back & fix what's been broken, but i could really use the closures just so i could breathe easy again. to be honest i haven't been alright. sometimes i wished that i didn't care so much, that i could just forget about everything so that it wouldn't hurt me at all to know that you actually couldn't care less about me or how i feel. i want to hate you but it doesn't help at all, neither can i bring myself to.

After all these times as much as i wish to deny, i have to admit that i really do love you & i truly care for you; even though you could never love me 'cos you dunno how to; even though i wish to believe what we had was real. now that you're seeing someone else, it hurts me of cos, but at least i know that you have someone to take care of you. i always feel that we didn't end it properly and that was also what upsets me most. like what i've said, i could use the closure just so i could move on with my life. i would really appreciate it if you could help me out here, it might just be better for e both of us. no matter what, you would always be the little girl in my heart, mine to keep =)