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Saturday, October 07, 2006

i hate to draw circles because to me, circles have to be perfectly round. i would never draw a circle freehand 'cos i know it wouldn't be perfect and that is something i can't stand. yeah that's me, a perfectionist; an idealist. if you wanna do something, make sure you put in everything and do it right. i don't accept things that are half-hearted or sub-standard, much less be satisfied with them. it's either all or nothing, a storm or drought, do or die.
But nothing is perfect, is it? am i being too rigid? too idealistic? this is perhaps my biggest weakness & strength. sure i can accept ambiguity, to a certain extent. if we're talking about societal or psychological problems, history, things that r beyond our understanding & control; things we'll never get to the bottom of or the truth of truths. But when it comes to emotions, where we have the ability to decipher (not to control but understand if you have the courage to), i can't accept maybes. pretending that nothing has happened doesn't mean that the problems do not exist and that somehow they'll just go away on their own over time. it's a foolish move 'cos you just wedged it in your throat, and they accummulate over time such that you start to choke on it.
i choke a lot, 'cos i refuse to face my fears. but i wish to change now, i'm tired of running. it takes courage to go back & fix what's been broken, but i could really use the closures just so i could breathe easy again. to be honest i haven't been alright. sometimes i wished that i didn't care so much, that i could just forget about everything so that it wouldn't hurt me at all to know that you actually couldn't care less about me or how i feel. i want to hate you but it doesn't help at all, neither can i bring myself to.
After all these times as much as i wish to deny, i have to admit that i really do love you & i truly care for you; even though you could never love me 'cos you dunno how to; even though i wish to believe what we had was real. now that you're seeing someone else, it hurts me of cos, but at least i know that you have someone to take care of you. i always feel that we didn't end it properly and that was also what upsets me most. like what i've said, i could use the closure just so i could move on with my life. i would really appreciate it if you could help me out here, it might just be better for e both of us. no matter what, you would always be the little girl in my heart, mine to keep =)

.shan. [5:35 PM]









++ || Shan || ++

WARNING
This is a doodle spot.
What you read may hold
certain amount of truth,
OR not at all. Digest
this at your own risk.

## in-sight of me ##
?compassionate
?meticulous
?herbivore
?non-conformist
?neat freak
?ambidextrous
?random
?introvert