Saturday, November 26, 2005
mm been bumming arnd. everything's really changing so fast, smtimes i think tt even e most unchanging thing - me, is changing. i haven't found a job & ya i dun like e feeling of being unemployed, but e old me would panick n nw i juz simply can't b bothered abt it. is it gd tt i'm beginning to loosen up or am i becoming too unmotivated? i dunno.. so much uncertainty n i have e least clue how to deal w it tt's y i'm beginning to lose faith in almost everything. things hardly go according to plan, rules r constantly broken, tragedies continue to strike e misfortune. how do i believe again?
things that looked stable gave way eventually. pple in relationships can give up juz like that after so long, when chemistry dies out n communication breaks down. e thot of it is so depressing.. i can no longer c life ahead, i lost my vision bcos i learn that things dun always turn out e way u want them to n u juz gotta have a back-up plan. nw i understand y pple r nt willing to commit, but if everyone thinks that way, wat would e world become? smtimes i think abt my case, i dun even dare to look into e future. me & her, we're SO different to begin w. it's so hard to compromise smtimes n it takes double e effort, added onto that we put e relationship to e test of distance. omg.. e thought of it makes my head swell w pain, it's so tough. i juz wish it could feel so light again, it's like e longer u go on for, e heavier it gets, e more u invest, e more u can't let go, e more u dun cherish, n finally 1 day u realise that u r trying to run away frm ur other half. scary eh? i really wonder how it feels like to find a glove that fits ur hand perfectly, sthg that rarely happens; to find sthg so rare that u could b so sure that u wouldn't wanna let go of. oh well, tt's me - a sucker for idealism (can't help it, i'm a perfectionist).
.shan. [2:15 AM]