Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to neatly sum up what's happened that day. Sometimes you do everything right, everything exactly right, and still you feel like you've failed. Did it need to end that way? Could something have been done to prevent the tragedy in the first place?

It's never gonna be enough, is it?

Today I remembered something about us. I was just thinking about being in front of a big crowd and contesting against others for support. Somehow it brought me back to J1 where we were both called up to the front for run for house captainship. I thought it was a pretty awkward situation because you were my friend and I wouldnt want to compete with you. So I gave a lousy introduction because I dont mind letting you have it (if you want it and not that I think you're not competent enough to fight for it).


Funny thing was that I dont know how I still manage to win the majority. I felt bad about it but it's not something I planned on doing. The whole thing was so silly anyway. I probably spared you from all that torture and responsibility of working for that loser house.


I miss you. But I guess it's no use since you're not there anymore.

One fine day, I heard that my trusted goodfriend is having an affair with the significant love of my life. It's like a blow to the stomach plus someone slamming your head against the wall a few more time. I'm entitled to my shock and upset, arent I? After all she knew how I felt about her all these years. It's just like I'd never screw her ex bf because I knew how hard she tried to get over him. Oh no wait, all of a sudden I did. I'm sorry, things just happened.


Ok shit happens, things happen. I mean I'd love to know how it's like to cheat on somebody or have a one-night stand and all but they just havent happened to me. Right, now you tell me you feel guilty about it and to be optimistic, I believe you didnt mean it and admitting your affair is one step toward redemption. And because I love you, I am willing to take a step back and not condemn you with betrayal; you mean so much more to me now than that someone from the past and i'm not ready to let this ruin us for good. It's just not worth it.


I think it's what you do now that matters. I dont wish to be involved yet I want to save you but I cant. I have tried my best to ease your guilt, if you still feel it then maybe you knew all along that the whole thing is just.. wrong.

things happen. shit happens. I know, I understand. I just wish that it didnt have to be you. I would be lying if I claimed that I'm fine with the affair. Even my body told me otherwise. You jeopardized us for irresponsibility and selfishness? With someone who cheats, who is greedy and fickle? You're right, I see your spot in the cemetery now. I can let her go like a balloon, it's you who is breaking my heart. 1 night stand could have been a mistake, but an affair for more than a month? you must have made your choice at some points.

I love my friends more than my lovers. I was heartbroken, I was hung up over her, sure. But she's not important to me, I would choose to end it all over again because I know that I can live without her and I still have my friends - the others whom I love more.


I dont know how this tragedy is going to end. I wish you all the best. For me this is it. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, as I convince myself to believe in every single unfortunate thing that happened to me - 3 years of lockdown for a crime of nothing, I get released today.

Is it not good enough a reason to live on knowing that there are people in this world who care about you and love you? I guess not. Sometimes you just cant feel it even though you know they are there. Just like when there can be so many people around but you still feel alone. How much can someone love you anyway?

So what is it that keeps you going? To go through the same routine, face the people that you cant get along with, do the things you dread doing. I dont know how I survived or what I survived on. I know that death is always lurking round the corner, I've walked near and away. Then I guess you all were at the back of my mind, along with the rest of the world. I may be weak-willed but I try to tell myself that there has to be more. I wish now that you can think the same. Please dont give up.